Another life
dreaming of a life that doesn't exist
In another life, I got married at 22….
But in this life, I am 25 and I have not dated someone in so long. There are two things I know about love: someone settles and you grow to resent one another or someone leaves and it ends. But in another life, it all worked out. A fall day where the leaves have changed into their beautiful colors and it’s warm but not too warm, there is a little chill in the air. All four of my grandparents, dancing and laughing and happy. Brunch the morning of with my mom and sister, fluffy pancakes with powdered sugar and strawberries on top and champagne with orange juice. I’m happy and I’m chosen and everyone is happy for me. The person I love, loves me. But in this life, I wonder if I will ever be a mom, and everyone I know is married and having babies. Everyone is so in love and I haven’t been held in so long and I don’t even remember what that feels like. But maybe in another life, Sunday smells like coffee and bacon and I’ll want to get out of bed because I won’t fear getting up alone because my lover is waiting for me with breakfast downstairs. But in this life, I stay in bed a little too long because the warm sheets are the only thing that resembles the feeling of what I remember it’s like to be held. Every time I try again, I feel nothing. Dating apps are used for hooking up and no one comes up to ask you out in public anymore. People are afraid of rejection and for love to leave and to be embarrassed and I am those people. I met a guy a few months ago and the feeling of being excited about someone came back just a little after being absent for so long. That feeling left as quickly as it came. In this life, I attend weddings and baby showers and engagement parties. I put on my biggest smile and wear a new dress for every event with my hair and makeup done perfectly. I sit and watch all my people be chosen and loved and I can’t help but wonder: what if this is it? What if grief is all that I carry in this life? What if no one feels that exciting feeling about me and what if I never feel that feeling again? Is the longing to be wanted and loved and chosen all that I get in this life?